I don’t know what my future brings,
Whether it be good or bad,
But either way I await eagerly,
Cos if I didn’t, I’d be mad,

I’ve done a lot of thinking lately,
And I’ve really focussed on what kind of man I am,
I asked myself “Why am I forever stuck in the darkness”
And why I convince myself I will forever be damned,

But the answers that I received back,
Came as a surprise to me,
My sentence in the prison of self-hate now has a potential end,
And one day freedom I might actually be allowed to see,

I still don’t know when I will be allowed out,
I just know that my realise is now actually a potential,
Cos apparently my sentence is being cut short,
Cos my punishment was more than substantial,

For what I thought would be a lifetime of pain,
For a man rotten to his core,
Was just a time out for a good man who just simply made mistakes,
And my prison time need not go on for much more,

So I await my eventual release,
From the HMP of Self Hate,
To which I have been granted,
Cos I done the punishment, but I also decided to learn and educate,

So if I can,
I shall share with you what my time inside has taught me,
And I do hope you listen,
Cos once you enter the walls of that hell hole it’s hard to be set free,

We have all have challenges and we all have made mistakes,
But it doesn’t define who we are,
And as long as we own it and learn from it,
We need not serve time and shall only see the HMP of Self hate from a far,

So allow yourselves to repair,
And realise the demands from the demons in our heads we need not adhere,
Cos as soon as I get the key to my cell,
I’m getting the fuck outta here!!!

Wrote on: 30/03/2024

I feel trapped in the nothingness,
Lost in a void of vague,
And the calmness of it all,
Circles me like a plague,

All I want to do is sleep,
Drift away in the seas and the skies,
And I think if I died right now,
I don’t even think I’d realise,

Lost, Alone,
Numb and removed,
With no fight in me left,
Cos the survivor inside of me was smothered and abused,

I can’t cry,
I can’t even think,
Free falling into a standstill of nothing,
Going in no direction all whilst I do nothing but sink,

My eyes are heavy,
My heartbeat is still,
I’m nothing but an empty shell,
A broken man who forgot what it’s like to even be able to feel,

I’m in a state of hollow,
Deep in an empty womb of bleak,
With no thoughts nor words left in my mind,
With no ability or strength left inside me to even speak,

I’m floating in a dream of withdrawn,
As I crumble into the sofa powerless and deprived,
I forfeit my strength to carry on,
And I let the fates of depression decide,

I’m gone,
All my strength and fight depleted,
And I lay deep in purgatory on my sofa,
Broken and defeated.

Wrote on: 11/02/2024

Sweet bird of mine,
Feathers of colour and gold,
Sing a song of pure for us,
Woe my troubles of young and old,

Locked up to perform,
Your smiles and sunshine taken,
Now nothing but a mere sideshow attraction,
With the strength and courage in your heart slowly breaking,

Stolen from an age of young,
You never really stood a chance,
Now you spend all your days in this rusty cage,
Singing songs you hate and doing your tedious dance,

The bird begs for its freedom,
Getting lost in its own imaginary hope,
But dreaming of a life outside this prison,
Is the only way this beautiful animal can cope,

But it already knows resistance is futile,
The fight inside him virtually all gone,
So instead of begging for freedom,
It sings me a pretty song,

He looks outside the window,
Only bars separate him from a life worth living,
He can taste the air of liberty upon his tongue,
But song and dance he must keep giving,

Over time, I saw the birds hope slowly vanish,
Becoming institutionalised by my greed,
It’s spirit now broken,
Knowing he will never get freed

It gets fed and watered,
The bare minimum of existence,
Beaten by the hypocrisy of my wants and needs,
His desire for freedom now long and distant,

Sometimes I look at him,
With pity and sorrow,
With guilt in my heart, I say I’ll free him later today,
But I said that yesterday and I’ll say it again tomorrow,

Because the truth is, if I ever wanted that bird to fly,
I’d have to open the cage door and let it free,
But I can’t ever release him from his prison,
Because that caged bird……. Is me.

Wrote on: 19/01/2024

I don’t want happiness to just be a word,
I don’t want the idea of stable life to be absurd,
I don’t want my pain to be my earning,
I don’t want the value of my own life to be concerning,
I don’t want to be scared no more,
I don’t want to keep losing everything I cherish and adore,
I don’t want to be different, weird, unique or even the same,
I don’t want to feel sick when I hear my own name,
I don’t want to remember but I don’t want to forget,
I want to give up, but I don’t want to quit,
I don’t want to disbelieve someone’s true love for me,
I don’t want to imprison myself anymore; I want to be set free,

I don’t want to have been conditioned or programmed wrong,
And I want hear the words and melody and not just the song,

I want acceptance of who I am in my mind,
And I don’t want to keep searching for answers when theres none to find,

I have worn my mask for so long,
That even I can’t remember what I now look like,
But I’ve realised you can’t open your eyes,
When long ago you lost your sight,

So to answer your question,
What do I want from this life?
I want to let myself live,
And to actually have a life….

Wrote on: 18/01/2024

The journey of life is a strange one,
With a few misguided crossroads thrown in,
And our decision to what road we head down,
Comes from an unknown desire deep within,

But when it comes to our journey,
Life forced me to do mine on my own,
With no beginning or end,
Where ever I lay my beer is my home,

I forgot all my directions,
And ended up getting lost,
A joyous walk that turned into a nightmare,
Where my sanity was the cost,

I’m off the beaten path,
Far away from all of you,
Trapped in my own little world of madness,
Where my destination is both the riddle and the clue,

I ramble through heartache,
I strut through my pain,
I wear a coat when it’s sunny,
And a vest and shorts in the rain,

I couldn’t afford a sat-nav,
And I left all my maps behind,
I traded my compass in the pub,
And my watch can’t tell the time,

I’m stomping through the sadness,
With a broken smile upon my face,
Convincing myself I’m settled,
As I roam from place to place,

I fall asleep in the local asylum,
But wake up in the gutters of town,
And every day I wake with a smile on my face,
But I wake up upside down,

I shout land ahoy!
When I’m deep underground,
I swim with piranhas,
And dance with headless chickens running round,

Long story short, my journey makes no odds,
Whether It big or small,
And it’s ok that I am content with being lost,
Cos it is my journey after all.

Wrote on: 22/12/2023

I feel like I’m at a standstill,
Whilst I watch this world rush past me,
I’m trying to just take a brief moment,
But a blink feels like an eternity,

I’m still trying to figure it out what I actually want from my life,
But I don’t think I will ever know,
So I settle for the smallest moments of happiness,
But the lack of self-love is starting to show,

I really don’t expect much from my limited time,
I just want a smile that is real,
To look forward to my tomorrow,
And to understand that it’s ok that, this is how I feel,

But this world is going by me so goddamn fast,
And my life….. even quicker,
I spend every damn day trying to repair and get better,
But in reality I am only getting sicker,

I am so tired and warn out,
My body and mind needs to rest its weary frown,
But I might not actually ever be able to start up again,
If I ever did slow down,

Don’t get me wrong, I won’t ever give up,
Well, I hope I don’t anyway,
But the demands of life has made me so fatigued and tired,
That I needed to rest on a day long before yesterday,

And I’m doing what life asks of me,
Which is not living my life my way,
And all based on the promise,
That I might actually be able to finally rest one day,

I suppose I just need to escape the madness,
The pure Insanity that is now called normal and mundane,
But I am simply just the soul of a single cell,
That was given a time slot, number and a name,

So other than moments like this,
I don’t think or question it too much,
Cos my whole existence compared to earths,
Barely makes a dent or touch,

So this world can keep spinning,
And I will spend the rest of my days on my feet,
And I look forward to the fear of the unknown,
The day I might actually be able to sleep.

Wrote on: 18/12/2023

Earth is just one big insane asylum,
And everyone thinks that they are a nurse,
Our intelligence has grown into ignorance,
It’s a gift that turned into a curse,

We are all fighting over the smallest of scraps,
When there is more than enough to go around,
And we spend a lifetime searching,
For answers not meant to be found,

We all practice witchcraft daily,
Whilst expelling bad vibes,
And we pretend we all stand as one,
Yet we squabble in the smallest of tribes,

We are all deluded with madness,
Whilst believing we are sane,
We live like we are superior beings,
But we forget we have an ape like brain,

We are all patients in an asylum,
Whilst we wear a doctors uniform,
And when its forecast for calm weather,
We are the ones that create a storm,

We dictate and we control,
But call it law,
And even though earth has already gave us everything we will ever need,
We do nothing but demand more,

We take our frustrations out on others,
And we will blame anyone other than ourselves for our own faults,
All whilst ignoring our true feelings,
As we lock them up in vaults

We all put on a fake happy smile,
When secretly we are all breaking inside,
And we even convince ourselves that we are ok,
Cos we refuse to acknowledge that our make believe happiness is a lie,

We waste 90% of our lives,
Working for the colour green,
Yet a true lived life filled with content and love,
Is very rarely seen,

We have grown to live into a world,
Where true kindness is considered weak,
Where dealers, gangsters and corrupt politicians rule the world,
And we all just smile and turn the other cheek,

Yet we will all sit there and moan about it,
And tell the whole pub how we could do it better,
But a petition to fix the problem was made,
But surprise, surprise, you forgot to sign the letter,

Instead of talking to each other,
We gossip and make assumptions,
Which makes us even more reserved,
The 7 deadly sins being our only consumption,

We have failed as a species,
When we could of saved it all,
We are just a bunch of deluded and aggressive,
Dangerous little chimps with make shift tools,

We created racism sexism and homophobia,
Just to start a fight,
We claim to be superior,
All whilst we howl at the moon on a Friday night,

We preach peace,
Yet abide by archaic views,
We say we have “Woken Up”
But in reality, we just hit snooze,

We chop down countless trees,
To write a letter to our government about protecting the rainforest,
And we protest the streets with little picket signs saying “Save the Amazon”,
All whilst we are high as fuck from smoking half the items in a florist,

We drink and we take drugs,
All so we can search for “The Truth”,
Or is “The Reality” we are just running from it,
Or maybe you just fear you’re getting older and need little reminders of your youth,

It seems that no one can accept death,
The idea of us ceasing to exist, classed as mad,
So arrogant that we think we have the right to live again,
That we believe made up little fairy tales just so we don’t get sad,

And we are prepared kill thousands if they have a different view than us,
Preaching love and peace from hundreds and hundreds of different gods,
Stating our religion is the one that will protect us all,
But if you disagree, be prepared to face a firing squad,

It’s mad that as a species we are unable,
To stand together and unite,
Yet it’s common practice,
To stand together and fight,

We are a virus spreading like wild fire,
Cos we do nothing but fuck and procreate,
And if you are unable to naturally conceive your offspring,
You can defy nature and let the machines help you to inseminate,

We are all just crazy and deluded little monkey’s mad on a blood lust,
Stamping our little feet in earths great big insane asylum,
And we accept the mind altering medication from the elders,
Cos no one dare defy them,

Yet, the scary thing is that we could all actually have peace,
If we just didn’t create this chaos ourselves,
Yes, we are all unique and different,
But we are dying of a sickness and we call it good health,

The bigger picture is not us,
And we forget that we share this planet with other lifeforms,
But believing this planet was made solely just for us,
Is sadly know the norm,

And I find it completely and utterly mad,
How you humans go about your day to day,
And sometimes I’m glad that I don’t feel like I’m human,
Cos I wouldn’t want my head to think that way,

I find it funny that you give me anti-psychotics,
When it’s obvious you need it more than I do,
But I suppose we lie to ourselves so much,
That the lies eventually become true,

So if you have just been born, I wish you Good Luck,
In trying to survive in this great big insane asylum called Earth,
Cos Homo Sapiens have fucked it up for us all,
And peace and harmony is something we don’t actually deserve,

So when they do finally decide to drop a nuke,
And destroy all flora, fauna, me and you,
Remember my dear human that we could have fixed all our mistakes,
But we all chose not to.

The End.

Please note: I started writing this when I was in the middle of a nervous breakdown in September 2022 and I finally went back to it recently and I finished writing this on the 26th November 2023

I wake up everyday,
And I say thank you cos I woke up,
But secretly I wish that I didn’t,
So can someone speak to life…. Cos I think there’s been a mix up,

Cos lately I’m annoyed,
That death didn’t take me,
Cos at least if I was gone,
My head could finally be free,

I’m tired,
Tired and worn out,
I’m drained and exhausted,
And all I want is out,

I feel numb and dead inside,
All my emotions, lost and gone,
Yet sometimes all of a sudden I’ll breakdown crying,
Like the chorus of a broken song,

All I’m doing lately is drinking,
Cos it’s the only time I’m not actually here,
But I’m drinking so much,
That I smell petrol in my tears,

My friends say “Call me if you need me”,
“You know I’m here for you”,
But they don’t realise that I’m not here anymore,
Plus if you wanna pretend you knew me, you could always get my name in a R.I.P tattoo,

Cos in my head I’m already fucking gone,
Even if I do manage to pull myself out of this,
I’m truly gone in the wind baby,
And now I’m just another statistic to add to the list,

So even though this poem isn’t finished,
I’m tired of writing,
I always swap a razor for a pen,
But not when I’m sick and tired of fighting,

So I will pray for death to come,
Before I go to sleep,
Like I have I done,
Every damn night for the past 3 weeks,

And If I do wake up tomorrow,
I’ll just have to cry some more,
Cos unfortunately,
I’ve been here way too many times before,

I have major depression and I’m used to feeling like this,
And even tho I want out, I’m not that lucky for death to hurry,
But remember people, It’s not now but the day I finally smile,
That’s when you need to worry.

Wrote on 25/11/2023

I cleaned my flat today,
Then baked a cake for my friend,
I remembered something I had to write down,
But I dropped my pen,

For some reason I just stood there, staring at the floor,
My mind then went into a tearful turmoil,
My whole body went numb,
And a stew pot of locked up emotions just suddenly broke it’s coil,

I just started screaming,
Whilst crying so hard that I could no longer see,
A life time of trying to stay strong,
And yet, the simplest of things just brought me to my knees,

I slid to the ground,
And curled into a ball on the floor,
Cuddled myself in the fetal position,
I suppose I just couldn’t take it anymore,

I was lost in my tears,
My thoughts and feelings now all paralysed,
It was like I could literally feel my body resetting,
Floating on a blanket of tears, completely immobilised,

I could barely breathe,
With my whole body trembling,
Rocking back and forth as my tears still fell,
Slowly forgetting everything,

I felt dizzy,
And the air I was breathing started feeling lighter and lighter,
I was floating on a river of tears, high in the clouds,
With little reminders that my chest was getting tighter and tighter,

The room started getting dark,
And my eyes started closing,
It felt like I was drunk,
Slowly fading away, trapped in a body that was frozen,

I woke up about half hour later,
And picked myself up of the floor,
I then picked up my pen and I wrote…….
“Caster Sugar…. Get more”

Wrote on 11/11/2023

Living in a world where money is everything,
And being poor is a sin,
Where numbers determine your fate,
And your future is based on interest rates,
We spend our entire lives working for the green,
And yet a happy and content life is rarely seen,
And the scary thing is that the people in charge telling us to slave our life’s away,
Buy their 4th house as we sit there and worry if we will eat that day,
We as humans are all equal but money divides us all,
And if money ain’t your life’s ambition then you are considered a fool,
I understand the theory behind money even if the reality is shit,
I just don’t understand why it’s became so important that we would kill and even die for it,
It’s dividing us a species, turning us into paranoid murder machines,
And I don’t know what the solution is, but I do know we need love instead of the colour green.

Wrote on: 02/11/2023