I cleaned my flat today,
Then baked a cake for my friend,
I remembered something I had to write down,
But I dropped my pen,

For some reason I just stood there, staring at the floor,
My mind then went into a tearful turmoil,
My whole body went numb,
And a stew pot of locked up emotions just suddenly broke it’s coil,

I just started screaming,
Whilst crying so hard that I could no longer see,
A life time of trying to stay strong,
And yet, the simplest of things just brought me to my knees,

I slid to the ground,
And curled into a ball on the floor,
Cuddled myself in the fetal position,
I suppose I just couldn’t take it anymore,

I was lost in my tears,
My thoughts and feelings now all paralysed,
It was like I could literally feel my body resetting,
Floating on a blanket of tears, completely immobilised,

I could barely breathe,
With my whole body trembling,
Rocking back and forth as my tears still fell,
Slowly forgetting everything,

I felt dizzy,
And the air I was breathing started feeling lighter and lighter,
I was floating on a river of tears, high in the clouds,
With little reminders that my chest was getting tighter and tighter,

The room started getting dark,
And my eyes started closing,
It felt like I was drunk,
Slowly fading away, trapped in a body that was frozen,

I woke up about half hour later,
And picked myself up of the floor,
I then picked up my pen and I wrote…….
“Caster Sugar…. Get more”

Wrote on 11/11/2023

Living in a world where money is everything,
And being poor is a sin,
Where numbers determine your fate,
And your future is based on interest rates,
We spend our entire lives working for the green,
And yet a happy and content life is rarely seen,
And the scary thing is that the people in charge telling us to slave our life’s away,
Buy their 4th house as we sit there and worry if we will eat that day,
We as humans are all equal but money divides us all,
And if money ain’t your life’s ambition then you are considered a fool,
I understand the theory behind money even if the reality is shit,
I just don’t understand why it’s became so important that we would kill and even die for it,
It’s dividing us a species, turning us into paranoid murder machines,
And I don’t know what the solution is, but I do know we need love instead of the colour green.

Wrote on: 02/11/2023

A life full of demons,
Circling around in my mind,
And a sense of belonging on this earth,
That I am constantly trying to find,
With my heart broken,
And my trust non-existent,
With no true friends by my side,
And the family I do have all far and distant,
I fight everyday alone,
In a war that no one should have to fight,
But when I’m surrounded with nothing but darkness,
I try and see the light,
I try and cope in ways that I shouldn’t,
Convincing myself that, that is the way I will heal,
But it’s just a quick fix,
That for a few hours stops me from being able to feel,

So when I am at my weakest,
Out of my face on drugs and when I’m completely drunk,
When the devil convinces me there is no future or hope,
And I am at the lowest one man could have sunk,
I will stand up and I will shout,
I can do this, I truly can,
I will rise up and I shall survive,
Cos nothing he can throw at me will destroy this broken man,

And from the day of my birth,
He has punished me for reasons I don’t know,
And he tries to end my life every single day,
But no matter how hard he tries, I won’t let go,
He clouds my vision,
And convinces me that I’m weak,
He expects me to surrender by telling me I’m worthless,
But he tried that same tactic last week,

Cos yes I am weak, yet I am also strong,
Yes, I am powerless, yet I can attain full control,
Yes, I am dead inside, yet I am fully alive,
And yes, I am too far gone, yet I still have my soul,

So when I do eventually go to sleep,
In my wooden bed deep in the ground,
And my next chapter take’s me to where no one knows,
I hope that I hear the angels sound,
And if there is a heaven, and a hell,
I will get to speak to this coward called the devil,
And I will tell him how I survived,
And how he was never able to drag me down to his level,

I will say to him,
In my strongest and most confident voice,
That my life….. was my life,
And the time of my death was not your choice,
I will say to him,
You told me I was worthless and sent your demons my way,
Gave me a life full of hurt,
And made this grown man cry each and every day,

So hear me, my sweet pathetic devil,
Or whoever you may be,
I know you kept trying,
But I stood strong and you never were able to kill me.
Cos right now I’m alive,
And that’s the most precious gift of all,
I will not be a victim to the devil or my mind,
I am a survivor and nobody’s fool,

So I tell that devil,
Each and every single morning of every single day,
No matter what you chuck at me remember this,
Bitch….. I’m here to stay.

Wrote On: 29/08/2023

I’ve spent a life time running,
Running to escape who I am,
Never accepting that I could one day recover,
I always just thought that I was forever damned,

I convinced myself that I had to suffer,
That is was my sole purpose for being here,
And in order for me to pay my debt to be alive,
I had to pay in misery and tears,

I spent 32 years thinking this,
And I just got used to the self-hatred and the depression,
I got used to being numb and empty,
And taking medication to kill the remaining feelings and expressions,

Then one I day I woke up,
From yet another nightmare fuelled night,
In an empty and lonely flat,
With an overwhelming feeling of no longer wanting to fight,

And with my head reminding me,
That everything and everyone I ever loved has given up on me,
I walked through my once marital home,
With no friends, family or wife that did I see,

That I decided enough was enough,
That I was done dealing with all this shit,
And as I started to push down that razor into my wrist,
That survivor in me screamed “Get a fucking grip!!!”

I jolted back and then accessed the situation,
And asked myself “Callum, What the hell are you doing?”
And It was that moment I realised that I have been focussing on my suffering,
But in reality, surviving is what I’ve been doing,

I’ve never been able to repair,
Cos I just accepted I had to suffer,
All because hating myself was so easy,
And telling myself that I was worth it, was a lot tougher,

I know it will be a hard, long journey,
But hopefully I’m now on the road to recovery,
And it’s all because, for once in my whole life,
I started to give a fuck about me.

Wrote on: 08/08/2023

How I long to be accepted for who I am,
And not for what people think they see,
And how I long for people to look at the kindness in my heart,
And for them to rid their assumptions of me,

How I long to feel like I’m a part of this society,
By not just the people who’s already a part of it and also by myself,
And how I long for the departure of all this human judgement that fills our world,
That is purely based on looks, status or mental health,

How I long to feel like a real human,
To have feelings and emotions that I don’t have to lock away,
And how I long for me to be able to express those said feelings,
Without any misconception or disarray,

How I long for money to actually serve us,
Instead of us bowing down to it and filling our world with greed,
And how I long for all the hate and judgment to disappear,
And for people to realise that love and understanding is what we need,

How I long for that cuddle,
From someone who wants nothing but to embrace,
And how I long for this constant feeling of worthlessness to leave me,
And a true sense of belonging to finally show it’s face,

How I long to find peace,
Within my broken heart and my damaged soul,
And how I long for the demons that plague my mind,
For me to be able take full control,

How I long for people to be able to speak up,
And not be scared to lower their defences and be able to trust,
And how I long for all the hurt in this world to disappear,
And being kind to others not looked at as weak or with disgust,

How I long for all this to become reality,
Maybe then we wouldn’t all feel so lonely,
And then we all find peace and love within ourselves and others,
Huh …….. If only.

Wrote on: 17/08/2023

When I look up to the sky,
In the middle of a darkened night,
Losing track of time in the depths of insomnia,
And nothing but worry’s and demons cloud my sight,

I try to focus on nothing but nothing itself,
Usually, to no avail,
But sometimes I do manage,
And when I do, the never ending stress of life goes stale,

My mind then takes that forbidden journey,
Into the nights abyss that has forgotten all of time,
My soul now travelling up towards the heavens,
And peace in the night’s sky I find,

I fly amongst the clouds,
A blanket of lost time now my home,
And a representation of true love shows it’s face,
And a utopian mind set is shown,

My demons and worry’s all forgotten,
And all the self-hatred coursing through my veins has vanished,
With all my deepest desires granted,
And the sweetest of angels, I kiss,

For once my night is not lonely,
And once again I find love in my heart,
I’m at a climax of true happiness,
When before, I didn’t even know where to start,

And there’s only one thing that I now fear,
It is the inevitable doom of daybreak,
So I shall be free until the sun rises,
And with it, this euphoric bliss it will take,

So for now I beg and I pray,
And speak to stars of forgotten day,
Sweet stars hear the pleas of this once broken man,
And let the night’s sky, forever take me away

Wrote on: 15/08/2023

I was born a broken man,
Into a broken home,
Sent down straight from the devils trashcan,
And on this lonely planet I shall forever roam,

Born to never know who I am,
Born just to suffer and to stand out,
Born to be scared to even whisper,
Yet always prompted to stand up and shout,

Lately I’ve been asking myself,
How can I stop my birth determining my fate,
How can I stop myself falling ever more deeper,
To save my soul before it’s too late,

But I don’t like the answers that come back to me,
I guess I was just born to suffer,
But I will never stop trying to improve,
Even when the devil makes it evermore tougher,

And as I rest my weary and tired eyes,
On the day the coffin becomes my bed,
I’ll smile knowing that I could have asked for greatness,
But I asked for peace instead,

And then straight back down to hell,
My tortured soul will go,
And the answer to why I was born in the first place,
That…. Only the devil shall know.

Wrote on:12/08/2023

Lying awake in bed,
Paralysed deep in my thought,
Seeking long lost answers,
To lessons life should have already taught,
Am I even good enough for this?
To just simply exist amongst it all,
Who even am I?
But a deluded and confused fool,
I sit there pointlessly numb,
With my mind pacing and racing,
Pondering my crazy thoughts,
With dreams I long ago stopped chasing,
I ask all of life’s questions,
In what seems like forever,
But only minutes pass me by,
I need to pull myself together,

Lying awake in bed,
Paralysed with anxiety and fear,
Trembling like a leaf on the gentlest of breezes
With not a single thought that is clear,
Not knowing why my heart is racing,
No real excuse for this tremor plaguing my chest,
Trying to calm my breathing,
To let my tired and warn out body rest,

Lying awake in bed,
With silent tears filling up my eyes,
And with an emotionless face,
Covering the scars as the perfect disguise,
Past thoughts, actions and decisions,
Galloping through my mind,
Like a bunch of wild horses,
None of which treat me kind,
Anger building up,
Resentment and regret,
What I wouldn’t do,
For just once to be able to forget,

Lying awake in bed,
I struggle to switch of and relax,
I just patiently wait for this punishment,
To reach it’s finale or climax,
Then I can rest,
Drift of to the land of nod,
Where dreams or nightmares await,
My subconscious playing god,

I awake in the morning,
With just under five seconds grace,
Pure emptiness,
Before these emotions and feelings once again embrace,
I get up and sit on the edge of my bed,
And I take a deep breath in,
I swallow all this pain and hurt,
And I preform the smallest of grin,
Cos although I suffer,
And every day I fight so hard to survive,
I will fight no matter what life chucks at me,
Cos today I woke up alive.


Wrote on: 31/05/2023

A new razor awaits,
Aftershave at the ready,
A deep breath in,
To make my hand steady,
A little tear,
And the slightest of grins,
Time to face the demons,
That takes residence within,

One slice for punishment,
Another for the pain,
One slice to remember who I am,
Another to forget my name,
One slice cos this is what I deserve,
Another cos I’m ok,
One slice cos this is my escape,
Another cos this is my only way,

The blood drips down my leg,
The red tears of my soul,
A spray of aftershave,
Agony and pain is my goal,
I breathe heavy,
I tremble and I shake,
Screaming “You deserve this”
But just adding more to my self-hate,

One slice cos I’m numb,
Another cos I’m cold inside,
One slice cos I want to live,
Another cos I want to die,
One slice for the memories that haunt me,
Another for my future mistakes,
One slice for what life offers me,
Another for what it takes,

I try not to self-harm anymore,
But not cos I’m strong willed or tough,
But its cos if I started slicing,
I’d never be able to cut deep enough.

Wrote on: 18/06/2023

Once upon a time little Callum had a dream,
To be happy and full of self-esteem,
To not have fear and to be happy in life,
To settle down, have kids and a wife,
To live in a world that was safe and secure,
To be happy and content and nothing much more
But one day the devil he did came to me,
Changed my mind and everything I see,
Now all I see is darkness in my mind,
With self-hating demons following me all the time,
Voices in my head and tears in my eyes,
I had a happy few years but now I just wanna die,
Pushing people away, cos my demons they do stay,
Cos I’m so messed up I just wanna fade away,
Nightmares and terrors every single night,
Mental health aint killed me yet but I’m getting to tired to fight,


Once upon a time little Callum had a dream,
To be happy and full of self-esteem,
To not have fear and to be happy in life,
To settle down, have kids and a wife,
To live in a world that was safe and secure,
To be happy and content and nothing much more
But I can’t have kids and my marriage fell apart,
So now I’m mentally ill but with a broken heart,
I can’t find a friend and I can’t find a lover,
Cos the world is divided and we all hate each other,
No one can be nice, no one can even get along,
Cos if you are right and everyone else is wrong,
Money controls the world, it’s the only thing that counts,
But I’ve lived my life skint, so my problems they do mount,
We all hate on others cos we are all insecure,
And if we want what they have we kill them in a war,
We argue and bicker, horrible as they come,
And If they beat us with words then we shoot them with a gun,

Once upon a time little Callum had a dream,
To be happy and full of self-esteem,
To not have fear and to be happy in life,
To settle down, have kids and a wife,
To live in a world that was safe and secure,
To be happy and content and nothing much more,
But life is beautiful it’s humans that make it hard,
So much violence in this world, no wonder we are all scarred,
We are in a massive rat race, so we must be all rats,
And with the devil playing tricks on me how can I compete with that,
And love is just a fairy-tale, made to make a profit,
The reality is much darker and it will all turn to shit,
Yet we live on a planet that gives us all we need,
But we rape and destroy it cos we all live a life of greed,


So fuck you little Callum and fuck your little dream,
Cos life can be so cruel and it aint what it seems,
Broken heart, broken mind and broken fucking life,
So go to the kitchen and get the sharpest knife,
Cut the pain away, and cut it all out,
Cos when you had your dream Callum, you forgot about the doubt,
So Fuck you little Callum you should really fucking die,
Cos you promised me a dream but you told me a massive lie,
I’m scared, I’m alone with demons in my head,
And thanks to your little dream Callum, I’ll soon be fucking dead,
I’m frightened, I’m nervous, I’m having a panic attack,
And it’s only getting harder, I just wanna go back,

So fuck you little Callum, and get that dream out your head,
Fuck you little Callum, you should’ve had a nightmare instead.

So fuck you little Callum, and get that dream out your head,
Fuck you little Callum, you should’ve had a nightmare instead.

Wrote on: 15/04/2023