MY POETRY
VIDEO AND POEMS
Photos
Photos
Photos
Depression always keeps the thought alive in my mind….
Photo Taken in Winchester, Hampshire
Photos
Photos
Videos
Videos
Videos
Poems
Sea of Abyss (Depression Death)
Lock the door,Close the curtains,I ain’t going to smile anytime soon,That’s for certain,Feeling depressed,Not eaten today,I’m nothing but a tearful burden,Only in the way,My depression is too muchMy pain is too real,I’m numb and empty,Too numb to feel,A tear rolls down my face,A singular lonesome tear,I hug my pillow,Whilst shaking with sorrow and fear,I sleep all day,And then I wake with tears in my eyes,I beg for it all to stop,No time to say goodbye,I get up,The first time today,I light up a cigarette,Just to watch it burn away,I curl up into a ballOn my kitchen floor,I whimper and shake with anxiety,And then I whimper some more,I’m stay on the floor in the kitchen,I stay there all night,With the fridge humming my only constant,Too exhausted to move, to worn out to fight,The morning sun shines outside,Whilst my darkness stays,I’ve lost track of the empty void I’m in,As I lose consciousness and fade away,I am in the sea of abyss,A depressed death like void,And any chance I had of recovery,Was cut out and destroyedI have depressionCompletely dead inside,But death don’t scare me,As I already know what it’s like to die. Wrote on: 16/02/2023
Musings
Videos
Open Mic Night at the White Hart Pub, Andover (12/01/2023)
Poems are: Numb Definition I Am.... I Have A Human Dream In A World...
Poems
Alive/Dead/Alive
I’m a man of love,And I’m a man of hate,I always try to do what’s right,But I’ve made too many mistakes,I saw the sun rise,And I saw the sun set,Then I fell asleep,And the peace and I never met,I saw the dark,I saw the light,I rejected the peace,Cos I saw the fight,For all of this,I am hated and the outcast,And my time on this earth,Shall not last,I’m the bastard of kings,The lowest of the low,I am the forgotten breed,With nothingness, the only thing I know,A lover, a fighter,A sinner, a saint,But a man about to be forgiven,I certainly ain’t,I’m swinging from my noose,And there’s nobody there,I’m swinging from my noose,Cos nobody listened and nobody cared,Rot in the ground,The judge screamed at me,Swing from that noose,And join death in the valley,I did try to please you,But my sins not forgiven,Apparently my broken heart and soul,Made me not worth living,Death called me,The only one to call me by my name,The darkness of hate and death,Me and it, are now the same,Now I am in the eyes,Of the sun and the moon,And although I am dead,My unheard voice shall come soon,Reap the rewards,Of the plants I did not sow,And the emptiness of the void,You shall all know,I tried,I tried you bastards I tried,But my fate is sealed,Cos your leader, she lied,I am no more,Not rich, not poor,And I am now dead and empty,Like I was before.I’m sick of the sickness,I am not in good health,I have not no one,Only me and myself,A man unable to love,Or a man who refuses to be broken hearted,Cos the love I did have,Died when we parted.I vow to go,Where the heavens will not speak,A broken man,Who had to turn the other cheek,Goddamn you,Sweet voice of memory,I shall rise from this painful grave,And once again be me,Never beaten,A survivor of your lies,For my neck may be in that noose,But it was only a fragment of me that died.So be happy,Do what you need to do,You are just angry,I learnt to survive without you,Sweet angel of heaven,Dark angel of hell,I was once dead,But I am certainly alive now.Wrote on 10/01/2023 This is a poem about the stages of my depression through my divorce to my wife. I had lost all hope and hit a depression like never before. I was in a very dark place and unable to see a future for myself. Then that survivor inside of me (And with the help from close friends) I started to see positivity.
Poems
Dirty Dancing With Death
I don’t know who I am any more,I ain’t the person I once saw,I just want to fade away and go,But why? That I don’t know,I’m broken and have been for a long time,I want calm but only more demons I find,All I want is for inner peace,But I know I’ll only ever get that when I am deceased,I’m drunk as fuck tonight,Begging to be wanted but with no one in sight,I’m fucked up and off my face,It’s time for me to leave this human rat race,I see the reaper and he’s lonely,I see him and him only,I just need to cuddle and to cry,Even if it means I have to surrender my life,The reaper is stood at my front gate,Asking for a connection, both lover and mate,We both need to just be alone together,Two broken damaged souls, like birds of a feather,So I invite him in and make him a drink,No words are spoken with no room to think,We chat and we cry together alone,I feel close to him, the closest to someone that I’ve ever known,We have a few more drinks, me and Grim,And although I’m already broken, I find peace within,I tell him that I can’t take anymore,As he picks my mentally broken ass up off the floor,We embrace both crying,We cuddle both dying,Then my speaker plays a song we both like,And we decide to conclude our emotional nightBut not before the end of the song,We both smile knowing that death won’t be long,So, I’m dirty dancing with death,So dance with me Reaper, till my last breath,You have peace deep within,So Dance with me, my sweet grim,You’re the only who truly knows me,So dance and let my soul be free,It will be my last ever dance with someone true,And I’m so glad it was with you,So get close to me and let the music take control,Show me inner peace and I’ll trade you my soul,My phone is turned off and the lights are down low,I’m dirty dancing with death with only one place left to go,You don’t see me as broken or a mess,You see me as innocent and pure, someone who’s at their best,The song comes to an end,And I smile as death is now my friend,I know my time hear is now done,And I no longer have to run,I will finally be able to rest,And with inner peace I shall be blessed,He smiles and holds my hand,And says “I got to do this, I hope you understand”It all goes dark and my eyes close,And what happened, I really don’t know,But I wake up 4 hours later,With my head clear and my understanding greater,I look around and I cannot believe,That he didn’t take my life but instead saved me,Next to my bed was a simple note,In words that I or he wrote,Weather it right, weather it wrong,He put “I enjoyed last night, stay strong”So, I dirty danced with death,Hoping he would take my last breath,But instead,I’m now more alive than I have ever been dead.Wrote on 17/11/2022
Poems
Cuddle at Christmas
A ready meal for one,A bottle of vodka calling my name,A room full of emptiness,Reminding me I failed at loves game,With Christmas fast approaching,Less than a week away,I pray that someone asks for my friendship,But it defiantly won’t be today,All I want is a cuddle at Christmas,All I want is to not be alone,I’m used to isolation and darkness,But this is the darkest isolation I have ever known,I had a family once,But I wasn’t good enough to keep hold of it,So I will be spending Christmas alone,With constant reminders I had it all, and then lost it,I will be getting drunk,To numb the pain of being alone,I will be inside my prison,That I once called a family home,I will be drinking Jackie D,When you pour your gravy,I will be trembling with loneliness,When you give your present to your lady,When you eat your turkey,I will be eating my tears,When you hear the bang of the cracker,I’ll be facing my deepest fears,I’ll be going manic,When you eat your Brussel sprouts,And when you get a cuddle at Christmas,I’ll be passing out. Wrote on: 21/12/2022
Poems
Cry Buddy
Another night I can’t sleep,Filled with loneliness, regrets and isolation,I try to relax as the sun rises,But self-hate is my only meditation,I stay clear from drugs,And I try not to drown myself in drink,My head and thoughts are empty,But the quietness is so loud I can’t hear myself think,Lately, women stay clear of me,As they think I am on the rebound,It may be true I’ve lost my marriage,But with that, even more demons I have found,I am a survivor, that is true,But there is something I need to confess,When you are constantly at war with yourself,Sometimes even survivors need a chance to rest,If I invite you over,For a drink and a chat,Don’t presume I want sex,Cos tonight I don’t want that,I just don’t want depression to beat me,As I really want to live,So when I ask you to hold me close,It’s cos I need someone to cry with,Let us connect through our demons,And turn darkness into light,A chance for us to repair our souls,And cry together all night,Let our tears mend our wounds,Let our pain drift away,Cos we are both fucked in the head,And the ones who cared, we’ve already pushed away,So, please hold me close,And tell me it will be ok,Let’s laugh, cuddle and cry together,And let’s survive another broken day,Let the low mist of self-hate rise,Let them vanish if only brief,Let me take off my mask,So I can remember the beauty that lies underneath,I need a cry buddy,Damaged with benefits,A one night cry fest,A night to repair without judgement or prejudice,So, cry my sweet cry buddy,Cry all night with me,Let the tears of a life of hurt fall,Let them tears escape from you and me.Wrote on: 30/11/2022
Poems
The Bastard of Nothing
I don’t know what to do,Not anymore,I’m the lowest I’ve ever been,Lower than ever before,I hold back my lonely tears all day,To release them at night,The depression and isolation was too strong,And I’m too weak to fight,I’m a few levels below just existing,I am now just a ghost,And the feeling of my heartbeat,Is something I miss the most,I am in purgatory,A nowhere middle ground,I am not alive nor dead,Not pulse nor sound,I’m empty,Hollow and cold,And my white flag of surrender,Is battered, bruised and old,I don’t need to kill myself,Cos I’m already past death,It would be a waste of time,I already have nothing left,I’m not even running on empty,Cos I’ve already been demolished,And the void of nothingness,Was the last thing I kissed,I’ve had a life filled with regrets,Full to the brim of too many mistakes,And I am no longer repairable,As I’ve had to many chips and breaks,I am hollow and vacant,Non-existent and unreal,An abandoned vacuum of hot air,That is empty and unable to feel,I’m now the bastard of nothing,In the abyss of perdition,A big bang of suffering,A major fuck up collision,I am a detachment of withdrawal,A ghost in limbo,Heavily floating from day to day,Hysterically laughing for its soon to be crimbo,I’m the bastard of nothing,Drunk and full of tears,Baffled and befuddled,Of how I’ve survived 32 years,But the bastard of nothing,Don’t need to slice his wrists,Cos I’m the bastard of nothing,So I don’t even exist.Wrote on 26/11/2022
Poems
Oak Tree
The woman on the street corner with a forgotten name,Hooked on heroin and on the game,A young girl turned woman before her time,On the streets since she was nine,She cringes at the sight of her own reflection,And only her pimp can offer her protection,She only smiles when she is buying,The rest of the time, she is crying,Battered and bruised, used and abused,She’s scared more and more with every screw,She looks so old but she’s only 23,Wondering what if, everytime she passes that big oak tree,I see her everyday whilst getting my morning paper,People stop and stare, until the car pulls up and takes her,I often wonder what kind of life she had before,But the old and ignorant just stand and mutter “whore”,I decided I was going to ask her, her name,And try and get her off of the game,But when I went to get my paper, she wasn’t there,And when I asked, nobody cared,When walking home I passed a big oak tree,And for once, that girl was free.Wrote on 06/07/2018
Poems
The “Magic Pills” Corporation
Do you have a headache?Cos we have a pill for that,Are you upset?Cos we have a pill for that,Or are you happy and content?Cos we have a pill for that,Are you hungry?Cos we have a pill for that,Or do you want to lose weight?Cos we have a pill for that,Do you enjoy life?Cos we have a pill for that,Or are you miserable as sin?Cos we have a pill for that,Are you tired?Cos we have a pill for that,Do you hate your job?Cos we have a pill for that,Does your partner hate you?Cos we have a pill for that,Do you hate technology or feel old?Cos we have a pill for that,Do you want to climb Kilimanjaro?Cos we have a pill for that,Are you well in life?Cos we have a pill for that,Do you have a lot of money and some equity?Cos we have a pill for that,Are you kind and compassionate?Cos we have a pill for that,In fact, we have pills for everything,Both good and bad,It doesn’t matter if you need them or not,There’s so many “Magic Pills” to be had,Crafted by the white coat men,Masters of the fake,Making you believe this deception,And your money we shall take,So here are our tablets,Medication of synthetic greed,You may not know yet,But this is all what you need,Money making pharmaceuticals,Chemical goodness we sell,And if you hate The “Magic Pills” Corporation,Remember…… We have a pill for that as well.Wrote on 26/11/2022
Poems
Hallucination
I see you and you see me,You call me names and mess with me,You don’t like my hair or the way I dress,You strike me down when I’m at my best,I drink you away to numb the pain,You’re gone for a while then you’re back again,I want to get better, so I take my medication,I’ll do anything to stop this hallucination,You want to cause trouble and always want me to fight,But I try to ignore you with all of my might,People think I’m mad when I walk down the street,When I’m talking to you but staring at my feet,You come in all shapes and sizes, I don’t know what next,Is it just me or am I just hexed? Date I wrote this is unknown, but it was around the year 2012
Videos
Open Mic Night @ The Rock House on 06/07/2022 – (Poem: Numb)
As you have gathered, this is a very emotional poem for me to read...