MY POETRY
VIDEO AND POEMS
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Poetry Platform, Winchester
Date: Tuesday 2nd JuneStart Time: 7-7:30pm The Railway Inn,3 St. Pauls Hill,Winchester,Hampshire,SO22 5AE **Free Entry**
Poems
Tsunami Of The Lost
I’m trying so hard not to give up,I’m trying so hard not to break,But the more I try to survive and repair,The more life tries to take,I try to smile when I’m sad,I dance when there is no sound,I pretend I am not lost,When in reality, I know I’ll never be found,I feel so alone,I’m scared and I’m vulnerable,Believing that one day I might actually not wake up crying,Like a sad and pathetic little fool,I’m too damaged,I’m too broken,I have too much trauma,That on the rope of self-hatred I’m choking,I know I’m unworthy of happiness,I know I’m unwanted in society,But the loneliness plaguing my existence,Is now making me doubt my own reality,I don’t feel human,Neither do I feel beast,And on a dinner for the lost and the broken,I sit and I feast,All I have ever wanted is to feel like you, And for once not feel like I’m a burden,I always feel like I’m in the way,And cos of this, my heart won’t stop hurting, I know how I feel,Is a mixture of my depression, childhood trauma and ADHD,But I’ve spent all of my life trying to figure out how to repair,And I am still no closer to giving the slightest of fucks about me,I just pray that one day,My sentence of constantly feeling lost is served,And maybe one day I might actually feel human,Oh Callum….. don’t be so absurd,The thing is… I am just merely a droplet, In the massive deep blue depression sea,So as I struggle swimming in this Tsunami of the lost,I guess I’ll just have to accept I am me.Forever to swim,Forever my frown,Forever struggling to breathe,Until the day I drown. Wrote in late 2024 but finished on: 19/01/2024
Videos
Poems
Street Light
The beauty of this world we cannot see,Cos we are blinded by the bright lights from the neon fake,And trying to find that peace that was once already there,Was human’s biggest mistake,We put ourselves in this daily nightmare,When we were meant to live a dream,We don’t challenge why or even question it anymore,And nothing nowadays is what it seems,We do our daily dance to the beat of chaos,The confusion that is life, confuses us all,As we lose touch with Nature, Reality and even our own minds,We just plod along and accept it all,We do not ask why,And the slightest of questions we may ask, will be classed as absurd,We are all underfed sheep,Drifting from field to field in our lost and lonely herd,And as we stand on our stage,Completely deranged and filled with nothing but rage,We, who were once born free,Lock ourselves in that cage,And as we walk these broken streetsWe lose our peace with each and every breath,And now the only pure thing we have left in life,Is death,And even that we refuse to accept,And we confuse it with a made up power that is higher,The so called super intelligence of man,Makes the whole daily dredge of an existence nothing but dyer,Cos being compos mentis in a homo sapien,Is now no longer a thing,And being a free spirit filled with peace and love,Is now considered strange and a sin,So the flickering street lights,That reflects on the fallen rain,Making it so much clearer,That we will never escape our inner pain,Our voice we silenced,Our souls we sold,We beat ourselves into the ground,Losing grip as we tried to keep hold,There was no war between life and man,It was us who created the struggles and the fight,And we are now left there to rot in memories of time,Like a lost and lonely flickering street light. Wrote on: 27/11/2024
Poems
The Lost And Unforgotten Flow That Is Also Known As My Existence
I’m floating on a lost breeze of depressional rhythm,Lost in an existence of nothing,With only my conscience that is aware of my being,My sleep deprived mind believes that the reality of life is actually a thing,I am like a vibration on a guitar string,As it is plucked from the tears that fell onto the saddest of all blues songs,I am a mystical wave of smoke and air,With only raw emotions showing me that the perception of reality is wrong,Damaged and lost,I, being an obscure figmental lone wolf in this world,I fear everything in the dark woods that I call my home,As my spirit dances in the fires of spirals and twirls,I dance with the perception of death,As I am death and I am also life itself,I am a sound, rhythm, a thought,I purely exist cos depression has strength and wealth,I am completely sane and coherent,But I am also completely trapped in madness,Intelligent, Depressed, Incredibly lonely and sleep deprived,My mind fails to repair in the raging storms of a PTSD mess,So the pigeon's flap their wings as I feed them,And as I feel the smallest puff of air upon my face,It keeps me trapped in this reality of fake,And takes my being from that rhythmic nothingness of peace and locks me in this broken place. Wrote on: 23/10/2024**Side Note**I have never been able to find the words to explain how my mind feels about my own existence. But I wrote this early hours of this morning and it's the closest I have got so far.......
Musings
My Attempt to Explaining Fate…..
Fate is a continuous and contagious flow of a rhythm of peace and disorder, set on a path locked into a destiny that is completely bound by the laws of an unclear existence, but it also has the ability of free will that can change at any given moment……Long story short…… your path, which is your life, has already been laid out in front of you, and has been since a few seconds before you were born…. The only thing that has the ability change your fate..... Is your mind set.If you want peace in your life….. Real peace…. You have to allow it to be a real thing in your life and then, and only then, will it become part of you and your journey. Wrote by myself on 13/10/2024
Poems
The Confusion of They
I’ve been raised up so I can fall,I’ve been locked in a prison but told I can open the gate,I’m told I’m worth it but they convinced me I’m worthless,I’ve been institutionalised by the self-hate,They tell me that I am unique,Yet tell me I’m exactly the same,They tell me my life has value and that I am important,Yet they don’t even care to learn my name,They tell me I am valuable,But I am only worth what they say,They tell me to go and enjoy my night,Whilst they steal from me my day,They tell me “Life is what you make of it”,Yet I have to make it the same,They convince me that I am destined to fail,Yet they’re the ones that create the game,I was born to live my own life,But only, if I live it their way,I’m forced to speak their words,Yet they still don’t give a fuck what I have to say,They tell me I need to survive and keep going,Yet they leave me for dead,They say I have free will,Yet they put subliminal messages deep inside my head,They tell me to make loads of money,And to save it for all my dreams,Yet they constantly rob me blind,And rip my pockets apart at the seams,This world is a confusing place,With constant mixed message from they,But apparently if it wasn’t for them,They would be no such thing as night or day,If they say stop, I have to stop,If they say go, I have to go,They play with our lives like we are puppets on a string,And they have forever ran the show,Time itself was created by them,The whole universe dictated to us in this confusing play,I feel so lost,Cos a day is not a day unless they say,They are such a confusing kind,And yet no-one even really knows who they are,But they run my mind ragged,As I fail to chase my dreams in societies boudoir. Finished on: 07/10/2024
Poems
Frankenstein’s Monster
I am just a madman in your eyes,A dangerous freak in human clothes,With a mind that knows of only evil,And love and comparison is something I will never know,Your stories of my kind have defined me,Even if I live in a so called tolerant age,You may have released us from our shackles,But we are still locked up in society’s closed minded cage,I am no devil and nor did hell send me here,And no, I do not have any hell bent demonic lesson to give,I am not here to do some biblical dirty work,I am just a human trying to live,Forever we be punished by your fear,My life is dictated by the uneducated rumours of old,My heart beats a sad dose of warm oppression,Whilst yours beats icy cold,In every book that has ever been created,I am the monster that eats children as he howls at the moon,And as I sit in my prison begging for nothing but peace,The villagers and their pitchforks come for me soon, I have paranoid schizophrenia, To you I am Frankenstein’s monster in his shackles and chains,Cos It doesn’t matter what I was born as,Because to society, "Crazy" will forever be my name, Wrote on: 20/09/2024
Poems
All Alone
As the woman I once loved,Laughs and sings her hate for me,I sit here begging life for the slightest bit of peace,Just for a few moments, to know what it’s like to be free,The memories and demons they torture,My beaten and fragile mind,Screaming such vivid depictions of a time I wasn’t myself,Another life, a different time,With the bottle asking to join me on my quest of broken nostalgia,I choose to have only my tears,And as the rest of the world sleeps,I weep and whimper over mistakes of forgotten years,And I do hate to moan,But depression is forever my home,And it’s all I have ever known,And I face it….. All alone,As evil triumphs in its war against good,Beating morals and respect to a bloody pulp,I swallow the pain from my good heart,With an arduous and troublesome gulp,The families that are out there,The kind that I wish I had,Sleep on their woven blanket of softness and comfort,Whilst I stay on the outskirts of society like a forgotten nomad,And if ever the alpha does get tired of his treasure,And his kingdom does collapse,I drift like the lone wolf I am, to the now heartbroken woman,And at his table, I beg for the smallest of his scraps,And I do hate to moan,But depression is forever my home,And it’s all I have ever known,And I face it….. All alone,I often go feed the pigeons,Convincing myself it brings me peace and calms my negative self-reflection,Or maybe, my mind is so messed up and broken,That It’s the only time I feel some sort of a connection,But once they eat their food,The food I spent my last bit of money on,They fly away to the next person,Cos I am no longer of use to them, as Humans and Pigeons share such a familiar sounding song,When they have left, I remain sat there,With my mind fading it’s eyesight into a lost and distorted version of bleak,I swallow all those silent screams and all my pain yet again,I force a broken smile and I turn the other cheek,And I do hate to moan,But depression is forever my home,Because it’s all I have ever known,And I face it….. All alone,And this depression I have,So sick and twisted it plays games with me,Me, who is so institutionalised by the pain,That I would still choose the darkness even if I had the option of being free,My mind so lost and confused,I long ago stopped asking why,That I, a man who adores life,Spends all of it wanting to die,My life is so limited and precious,Cos I know one day, time will not allow me to be here,So I don’t understand why I spend my entire life,Trapped in the isolation of my tears,And believe it or not, I do hate to moan,But depression is forever my home,And it’s all I have ever known,And I do it….. I do it… all…. alone. Wrote on: 20/09/2024
Poems
Pretty Bird Flying High
I look at all the pretty birds,Flying high in that sky,Free from all the pain of a human’s mind,Completely free, never to ask why,Even with all the problems that I face,The biggest burden that I share,Is that I am down here,And not up there,One day though,And one day soon,I will spread my wings and fly my way to freedom,And fly into sun, and into the moon,I ask of you pretty bird,Prisoner to none,Save me from myself,Save me from everyone,Flying far from danger,Soaring high above any sort of worry or fear,I beg of you to take me with you,For I am now nothing but tears,Oh pretty bird,Sweet creature of the free,Forever stay flying high,Cos this world will only destroy you …… I know it did with me. Wrote on: 05/09/2024
Musings
Poems
Numb
I’ve drunk my drink, the bottle’s gone, this can-not last,If I don’t get a grip on my life, I’ll go downhill fast,What happened to them, was no one’s fault,Yet our lives have come to a halt,Look out! he’s drunk again,With a bottle of vodka as his only friend,We had a lot of good times, you must agree,But it’s those memories that are torturing me,I still feel as raw as I did on day one,But no matter what I do, I just feel numb,I tried talking to someone, but it didn’t help me,So I shut myself away, and I threw away the key,I tried to get on with my life, but I just couldn’tI really wanted to, but my head just wouldn’t,Oh Lord, answer me, what on earth did you do,Your rash decisions have made me lose faith in youIn my messed up little head all I want to do is drink,But at least when I’m out of my face, I no longer think,I can hear them say don’t destroy yourself, my son,But no matter what I do, I just feel numb,I know that my way of coping makes me a fool,But I can’t stop staring at the photos on my wall,My Granddad was my hero and my Nan, my best friend,Maybe if I just fade away I’ll get to see them again,The amount of tears that have fallen, is unreal,But anyone who’s lost their world will know how I feel,My heart is aching and my soul is full of grief,Whilst my head, still, a year on, is in disbelief,I want to swim in my tears, into the setting sunBut no matter what I do, I just.... feel..... numb. Wrote on: 20/11/2019 (Thought I had already uploaded it to the site, which I hadn't)
Photos
Love this drawing…
My good friend Dean is a VERY talented artist who done this for me. I absolutly adore it.Thank you so much mate.Check him out Party People: https://www.facebook.com/deanbremnerartpage
Musings
Poems
I Have A Jeffrey Dahmer Brain
I have a Jeffrey Dahmer brain,I had the tests when I was young,I’m a damaged fucked up little psycho,And then some,My brain and his brain share the same patterns and colours,Him and me share the same kind of isolation,But he bowed down to them voices,,Where I chose to listen to a different kind of narration,I don’t kill people,And I never will,I don’t believe in being nasty or horrible to humans or animals, And being good instead of evil gives me my thrill,But I do have a Jeffrey Dahmer brain,It’s wired in the same way,We do not abide by the same reality as you,And both our minds are somewhere far, far away,That’s why I like being on my own,Cos humans and their wicked ways make no sense to me,That’s why I lock myself up in my very own prison of isolation,But at least in my head, I’m free,It’s my way or the high way,And I know thinking like that I won’t go far,But it ain’t ever going to be an issue on that highway,If I’m the only car,And what you see as depressing and dark,I see as happiness and light,And what you see as not having much of an existence,I see as living a true and honest life,Cos the more people I’m around,The lonelier I feel,And the more something makes sense to you,For me it becomes even less real,Life and death, Light and Dark,Polar opposites but also the same thing,You are the Ying and I am The Yang,My frown is the same as your grin,Don’t get me wrong, I mean none of you any harm,It’s just me and you we’re weren’t born the same,And it’s all because,I have a Jeffrey Dahmer brain, Wrote on: 13/08/2024